So It'll Be One Of THOSE Days
by Jeldaly
Summary: Being written into the books was great. The problem was when the fanfics started... Meta-fic/Crackfic, mostly canon pairings.


**A/N: I'm overtired. That's the only excuse I can come up with. I know this has been done before, but it's still fun. Should I continue?**

"Again?" Hermione whined. "I don't even _like _Zabini! And he's not even in the books, except for, like, ten seconds!"

"Suck it up, Granger," Malfoy answered. "At least we're not paired in this one."

"True," she conceded.

Hermione glanced down at her outfit to make sure she looked presentable - the obligatory Hogwarts uniform looked okay, and she'd bought some new shoes just for this fic. It looked like she'd be here for a while, so she figured she might as well.

The fanfic writer walked in, out of breath. "Hey, sorry I'm late. My muse was stalling."

"No worries," Hermione assured her. "Zabini's just getting changed. Oh, and this is Malfoy, have you met?"

"No, this is my first fanfiction," the writer said. "Hi, Draco."

Just then, Zabini walked in. "Granger, Malfoy," he greeted them. "And you are...?"

"ZabiniFanNo.1," the writer said breathlessly. "I've been your biggest fan since I first read book six - you were so cute - I mean, I'm being creepy now, aren't I - I'm sorry, it's just that..."

Hermione rolled her eyes and tuned the preteen out. The fanfic chamber was almost empty at this time at night, the only other occupants being some lemon writers talking to their characters in the shadows, and it was a nice place. There were crystal chandeliers and many couches and armchairs; a roaring fire occupied almost a full wall; change rooms lined another. There were the private rooms where the actual writing took place, as well. So it wasn't as though she was being mistreated, or anything.

It was just that when Jo had contacted her, some nameless character with hardly a hope in hell for being written in anywhere, it had been for a starring role in seven books. She'd been over the moon, but quickly became disenchanted. Being written into books was a wonderful experience she told every character to try and have, but it was hard work and often very painful. After the success of the Harry Potter series, she had expected to be retired; possibly brought out by Jo if she needed a hand, or get into being a muse.

But then the fanfics had started. Not only was she very rarely paired with her husband and true love, Ron, but she was forced to act incredibly odd according to the whims of the often incompetent writers. Hermione recalled with horror when she had been renamed B'loody Mary Smith - _B'loody Mary Smith! _- and started wearing only black and doing unspeakable things to her hair.

"Granger?" Malfoy said, poking his friend (by necessity; they worked together far too often to keep up the animosity they'd had in the original books).

"Uh, yeah. We ready, or what?" Hermione said.

"If you are," the fanfic writer replied anxiously.

"This room, then," Zabini said authoritatively as he led the two girls to one of the writing rooms.

"Ugh, no. Bad memories," Hermione said. "That was the room where I killed Ron with a rusty poker after he cheated on me with his own sister."

Zabini appeared to consider this for a moment, then said, "This one better?"

"Much."

Walking into the room, Hermione saw the now-familiar surroundings: several comfortable chairs, a computer, and a well-stocked minibar. The author was to sit down at the computer and write; as she did, the character 'onstage' found herself wherever the writer chose to put her. 'Offstage' characters could make themselves comfortable.

After all this time, Hermione was still confused about exactly how it worked. She didn't exactly lose her free will, but there was a very, very strong compulsion to do as she was told. When she disagreed, however, the quality of the fic usually suffered; thus, pairings with herself and Zabini usually failed. Over time, she had gotten used to even Malfoy, but she had a very strong dislike toward the tall boy currently searching for a beer in the fridge.

She smiled to herself when Zabini disappeared: this was to be from his point-of-view, then. Good. Hermione wandered over to the fanfic writer, who was chewing her lip: she had started with an A/N that read, "Hey guys so this is my first fanfic it's Hermione/Zabini DON'T LIKE DON'T READ and don't flame I'm only thirteen so go easy on me!"

It was followed by, "Hi, I'm Blaise Zabini. I'm in Slytherin, but I have eyes only for a Gryffindor. A very specific Gryffindor actually. She has the most brown eyes ever and brown hair that puffs but still looks pretty. Yes I am in love with Hermione Grandger."

Hermione winced. So it was going to be one of _those _days.

(line break)

So Draco was gay, and in love with Zabini. Nothing new there. What _was _new was Hermione getting completely enraged at him for this, and beating him into a relationship with Cho Chang - literally, she sent curses and jinxes his way with the threat of Avada Kedavra if he didn't marry the Ravenclaw someday. The poor boy didn't even get to hang out in the comfortable writing room - it was for stars only. Other highlights so far included Ron getting run over by the Hogwarts Express and Molly Weasley giggling about it; Zabini force-kissing her (except it wasn't sexual assault, honest! It was really romantic! Consent is for Feminazis!); Luna Lovegood stripping in the Great Hall in the name of garden gnomes; and a nudist camp being set up in the Gryffindor common room.

Yay, creativity.

ZabiniFanNo.1 was painstakingly writing about Zabini planning the second date: "I will show her that I will always love her and take her on the most romantic date ever! (A/N don't you think that they're the most adorable couple and Zabini would totally do this!) I am thinking a bowlling alley but that's too cliche, I think. Maybe I will take her to see a movie and then she will snugle with me because it's scary (A/N he's just being like most teenage boys so it's not like he's manipullating her or something) and then we will do something I can't think here because it's rated T. (A/N lol meta!)"

Hermione was taking her brief time off to email Malfoy an apology - the curses did still hurt, even if the writing dulled the pain. It wasn't long, however, before she was in Madam Puddifoot's wearing a miniskirt and a low-cut tanktop.

And Harry thought _he _had it hard.


End file.
